The List

Eleven Things I Know About Food: 1. I am never on a diet. 2. Self-hypnotyzing myself into not wanting to eat is a life change, not a diet. 3. It never works. 4. Your children's leftovers contain no calories. 5. If you eat alone and there's no proof that any food was actually consumed, you haven't eaten. You might still be hungry. 6. If you take a diet pill with your meal it cuts the calories by a third. 7. If you work out before you eat it cuts the meal's calories in half. 8. If you do both you can eat two meals. And desert. 9. Abandoned chicken nuggets are still game, as long as they haven't been under the car seat for more than a day. Fries last a week. 10. Beer contains no calories. If it did, the caloric content would be listed on the label along with all the other nutritional information. And lastly: A shot of whiskey and some good music allows for the proper digestion of all food, especially that which is fried.